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Why every conversation is a negotiation? learn from “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss

Updated: Aug 16, 2022

The book we are talking about today is called “Never Split the Difference”, and some friends say why do you have to control the conversation, which is not too strong, but there are some times in life when you have to control the conversation, because if you don't control it, what if you die?

The author of this book is a negotiator at the FBI, and he faces a particularly sinister environment every day, dealing with a kidnapping case almost every day, that is, the opposite side of the hostage, either give money or tear up the ticket, at this time all your conversations must be able to control the direction of the conversation!

So after so many years of training, it has mastered and explored a set of methods to control the direction of the conversation, and these methods are summarized by me as the Nine Swords of Solitude, a total of nine moves. I personally have done so many books about conversation, we have done “Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High”, and “nonviolent communication”, I have to admit that these nine tricks I am almost unfamiliar with, and even many of them have not thought of at all, this is the professional.

You know how strong it is, that is, every time the robber asks for money, it is a few 100,000 US dollars, right, millions of dollars so that his negotiation goal is within 5,000 US dollars, it must talk about 4,751 pieces, and then the other party will release people, and the success rate is as high as 80 to 90%. Above, I have participated in many very major hostage rescue incidents!

You said how often I encountered such a thing as hostage-taking in my life, and your son told you that if your father didn't give me ice cream, I wouldn't go to bed. This situation is actually very similar to hostage-taking. At this time, if you want to control the trend of the conversation, you have to learn how to do it? There are skills and methods to solve problems.

Let's start with the first thing that surprised us, who taught this author how to communicate with the kidnappers was a drug dealer, once a drug dealer's family was kidnapped by another group of drug dealers, he ran away to report the case, he said my family was kidnapped by another group, they went to the drug dealer to call the kidnappers to negotiate. FBA's previous negotiation methods are often based on rational assumptions, it assumes that people are rational, so we have to play games with him, the methods he uses are all the traditional methods of game theory, for example, you first have to confirm whether the hostage is alive, so the FBI's trick to the family is that you ask the kidnapper, what is the name of the pet in the hostage's uncle's family, on this kind of question, basically as soon as you ask out, the kidnapper is angry, saying that this treats us as who we are, right? You want to paraphrase me, and most importantly, he knows that there must be a police standing next to you, and he immediately gets angry, and as a result, Wu Fan blurted out a sentence and said, Heck, how do I know he's still alive, otherwise why pay you.

That's it. The other party was actually silent, and after a while said, you talk to him. It is the FBA that makes a lot of effort to try to talk to the hostages, they designed so many problems can not do the result of the drug dealer in a hurry to say such a problem actually achieved this effect, this next to let the author standing next to the mouth stunned, feel that the original most important method is not rational, the most important way is how to emotionally carry out the conversation, so the most important feature of this book is based on people are irrational, and people's negotiations are definitely not promoted by this rational tool of game theory. It depends on thinking fast and slow, relying on the deep understanding of the human brain in the book written by Daniel Kahneman to be able to control the direction of the whole conversation, and most importantly, to make the other party always feel that he is in control of the conversation, and then to achieve the direction and goal we want.

On the question we just talked about, how do I know he is still alive, this shifts the essence of the problem. You know that in the beginning when the kidnappers asked you for money, they said you give me money, so what was the problem? How do you go about making money, right? Then you give me the money and I release him is such a question, and when he asks how do I know he is still alive, the question becomes why do I believe you? How do you prove to me that you are honest, or how do I give you money and not be discovered by the police, etc., this series of problems makes the focus of the whole negotiation change, becoming the kidnappers using their brains to solve the problem with you, and in the end they are particularly willing to close the deal, they hope to be able to find a way to change the conditions, and then reach the final deal. So there is also a principle that gives the other person a sense of control and makes the other person tired.

This author often negotiates with those people at Harvard's business school, and then when all the people take him as a rival, it means that your son is in my hands, right? Now either give money or tear up the ticket, and then he starts to argue with the other party, he said how do I give you money, how do I know if my son is still alive, after I gave you money, what if the police catch you? I also don't want to have such a situation, and finally make the other person dizzy and completely tired. You know that a person is particularly prone to giving in when they are tired, this is the tone, we know that sensibility is important, so let's look at the first trick to control the conversation.

The first trick is particularly simple, called repeating what the other person is saying.

Unexpectedly, because when you repeat what the other person says, the other person thinks you are good at listening. In the process of negotiation, the brains of both sides are very excited, at this time the emotions are also easy to get excited, there is only one way to make the emotions of both sides calm at the same time, that is, to listen, so how to make the other party feel that you are listening is repeating what he said.

There is a case here, in 1993 there was a bank robbery, rushed in for a while gangsters to control the hostages, and then the bank inside the police called the police, so the police surrounded the bank, the news inside was very chaotic, the feeling came out as if there were a lot of kidnappers inside, they couldn't figure out how many kidnappers were in real condition, just found a suspicious vehicle nearby, and then no one also ran away, they suspected that the vehicle might be the kidnapper's vehicle Even how many kidnappers there were inside, whether any hostages were injured, they didn't know the whole mess.

Then this writer arrives at the scene, and his method is to keep repeating what the helper said, for example, he said that there is a car at the door, we don't know who it is, and then the kidnappers say that my driver was scared away by you, said that my driver was scared away by you, and then the author said that we scared your driver away, and the human brain has a particularly strange behavior, that is, when the human brain hears the other party repeating his own words, the feeling is that you want me to explain it to you. So for example, if you meet someone and you say your T-shirt looks so good, you don't ask the back, and he'll say where I bought it yesterday. You see actually if you ask him, you say you can buy it somewhere, right? But if you don't ask him, he himself will say that this is a habit of the human brain, and when the human brain hears the other party repeating his own words, he can't help but want to say more to explain.

So at this time, as he kept repeating the other party's words, the other party continued to explain, said more and more, and then after a while the kidnappers in the middle of this one person sneaked out, sneaked out, that person ran out and said that there was a total of two kidnappers and one, and then spent a while, one said I also came out, simply surrendered, did not shoot, and then solved the case, this is the first trick we say repeat each other's words, can quickly help us establish a harmonious relationship.

The second move, the second move of the Lone Nine Swords, is called the voice of the late-night radio host.

When you're talking to each other, your emotions are transmitted by the tone of your voice, so you need to practice the voice of the host of the late-night radio line, hello! Here's how Fan Deng feels about reading, and you have to say sorry when you open your mouth, and then when you repeat what the other person says in the voice of a late-night radio host, and say sorry and say thank you, be silent for four seconds, wait for the magical effect to happen, and then repeat the above!

Not to repeat each other's words in four steps, to say sorry in the voice of a late-night radio host, and then to be silent for four seconds, this is a reincarnation of the four steps is particularly simple, which is the second trick we say, to regulate your voice.

The third trick is called labeling the other person's pain.

What is called labeling the other person's pain is to say how the other party feels in pain at this moment. What are the benefits of this method? It's strategic compassion that helps build trust between the other person and you. Let's take a case, in 1998, there was a group of prisoners who escaped from prison, and after the escape they got the weapons, they knew that these prisoners had guns hidden in an apartment building in New York, and then the police surrounded the apartment building and did not dare to go in, because there were heavy weapons in the hands of the prisoners, and even for a long time, the police doubted that there was anyone here, but the police did not dare to rush in, and then they saw that the curtains were moved, and the police determined that there must be someone inside. You think these people don't say a word inside, they don't take hostages, they don't talk to you, they have a lot of guns in their hands, and you don't dare to go in. It became a dilemma, at this time the author arrived at the scene and arrived at the scene to find that others do not talk to you, how do you talk, you can not repeat the other party's words, this trick does not work, he said so, he said it seems that you do not want to come out, you are worried that once you open the door, we will rush in and shoot.

You see it's about labeling each other's pain, talking about the most worrying things in each other's minds, and then it seems like you don't want to go back to prison. In this process, we must pay attention to not giving orders, not asking conditions, that is, using the voice of the radio host to constantly mark the pain of the other party at this moment. Then after a while, a woman came out and said they would come out later, you guys don't shoot, and then crawl out one by one. Later, the author asked how you suddenly figured it out again, and he said that we didn't want to be caught or killed, and the woman said that we were listening inside and thought you were a good person. We think you should protect our safety, we really don't want to be shot and killed, so we will come out one by one to surrender, this is the negotiation process you find that all the talks collapse is the time of emotional breakdown, we don't talk about kidnapping, don't talk about this crime, we negotiate with others in daily life, the reason why the talks collapse is because there is a person who is angry.

There is a person who said that I don't do how much money I don't do, you see at this time I found that he was angry, once he lost his temper, nine cows can't pull back, this is the face problem, right? This is why I don't look up to you as a person, I don't like to talk to you, I don't want to compromise with you, even kill a thousand self-inflicted wounds 800 he is willing, the reason is that he feels insecure, he did not get empathy, so in the end these prisoners told the author a sentence that made me particularly impressed, it is you who let us calm down, just when people calm down, he will be able to choose a rational solution, so strategic empathy, do not only focus on their own goals and views, Note here that empathy does not mean approval.

It's not that I'm saying how you feel, then I'm going to do what you think, not empathy that means understanding. Therefore, the simple summary of the method marked at this time is to repeat the emotions of the other party to them. The other party is nothing more than two emotions, one is a negative emotion, the other is a positive emotion, like this you are afraid of death you are afraid of being caught, this is a typical negative emotion. You look depressed, you look angry, this is all negative emotions, by marking it can weaken it, you can make him feel that if I am really frustrated, when the other party says I am depressed, in fact, I have positive emotions, the other party is very excited and very happy and wonderful, at this time you still mark his positive emotions, you can consolidate the emotions between you, learn these three tricks to repeat it, the first trick is to repeat each other's words, the second trick is to use the voice of the radio host, the third bid to note the pain of the other party.

When you can't talk to the other party, or even when the other party doesn't speak at all, you only need to mark the pain of the other party and tell the emotions of the other party at the moment, which in many negotiations can be tried and tested in the fourth trick to pull the thorn, you hear the word and feel strange, the academic name of the thorn to pull out the conversation is called accusation review 。 What is allegation review? I know, you'll have an opinion about me. Under the premise that you will have an opinion on me, if I put your harshest accusations against me on this table, then the words that follow will be substantive issues. I myself know what's wrong with me, so you don't have to talk to me about it again. For example, once the author retired to help those big enterprises negotiate, and a large enterprise ran to the Middle East to bid for a project, and then they took a small business to go, and as a result, after going to party A suddenly changed, the result suddenly led to a lot of trouble in their business, and they couldn't make so much money.

Then he needs to explain to the small business that we're all going to have a sharp drop in income right now, right? Supposedly this is a very unpleasant thing, the contract is signed, I came to get the money, and as a result you told me that I have so much less money at once, then I must be angry, and what is the most angry? You called me here, right? You said you could get the party A, we ran with you Dayuan, and you told me that the income is now reduced so much, then I can't accept it, so you will feel that this negotiation will be very difficult, right? What does this author say? Eight times to show everyone how to put the next time up, the first sentence said I caused you trouble.

The first sentence says I got you into trouble, and it's really our problem. I know you trusted us to get involved in this activity. We also promised that we can get Party A, but now Party A has a big problem, Party A is almost going to withdraw the entire case at once, so we may not make this money, I know that all this is our fault, it is because we did not do a good job of customer communication and research in the early stage, I apologize to you here, at this time do you think the other party is talking about these things? It was not interesting, and in the end the result was no bargain at all, and they pushed the matter forward exactly according to the plan they had formulated.

That's what prick does. So remember that before we negotiate with others in the future, you have to think about where the other party is most dissatisfied with you. Where does the other party feel the most unfair? Where does the other party feel the most aggrieved? Admit it yourself, did we have some time to do MBA exam pre-test tutoring? And then what is the particular heaviness in the hearts of many students? He is a college degree, he has not gone to undergraduate, he knows that Peking University Tsinghua has very high requirements, and then he told me that Teacher Fan I know that I can't pass the exam, I said why can't you pass the exam? He said I have a college degree, I said there is no college entrance examination, he said there is, but very little, anyway I think they have such a miracle, I said what then? He said there was no way, I could only try to hide, and then I only wrote what year to which year where I went to school, I did not write what my education was, and then I performed my job very well, he said so well, I said if you take such a resume to go in and talk to the examiner The result is that the examiner will not ask you about the degree, but he can see that because the number of years is limited, three years is not four, right? He didn't ask or poke at other people's sore spots, anyway, he found a basis for not wanting him to put aside, which is the most essential reason why these people with low education and low education are eliminated.

He won't ask you at all. So what's the way I'm giving you? You go in and tell this examiner that I am a person who has a very bumpy experience in study, but the work experience is quite smooth, tell him why I went to college, because I graduated from junior high school at that time, I went to secondary school, and then after secondary school, I went to college, you know that in the past, people who went to secondary school were because of good academic performance, and the family was very short of money, right? After you explain this set of principles to the examiner, the examiner will not ask you about academic qualifications, because you have already spoken, you have already talked about these academic qualifications, and then the next thing is to say what kind of situation I am after I have worked.

Then I remember being a girl, this girl was admitted to Tsinghua University that year, and then he originally worked in a bank, and then after graduating from Tsinghua University, he went to work at Morgan Stanley, and wrote me a thank-you letter every year, that is, thank you Teacher Fan, you let me build confidence, I just intuitively felt that this trick was effective, I don't know what this trick is called, and today I learned it to know that this trick is called eight times.

The fifth trick is the most unexpected, called to let the other party say no in the negotiation.

Many of us dare not let each other say no in the conversation, we feel that once the other party says no, we can't continue to talk, what about this business? Right? But you know, when you can have the courage to make the other person say the word no, the other party will immediately have a sense of control, the other party will feel that you see I have said no, I am in control of the conversation, and then he will think more constructively, this is what we should do?

To let everyone understand this matter, let's look at a case, this case I think should be read to everyone, because it is really wonderful. It's a set of fundraising calls, that is, they're going to call some people to donate to campaign for donations, and they're against Obama's faction, and the question is this, he said, the fundraiser said hello, is it Mr. Smith? Then I said I'm from so-and-so committee, and I want to ask you a few important questions, mainly about your views on the current economic situation, do you think that gasoline prices are too high now? The other party said that the price of gasoline was too high and had affected my family.

Do you think the Democratic Party is one of the reasons for the rise in gasoline prices? The other person said yes, Oba President Ma is a badass, do you think we have to change in the November election? The other person said, of course, I think so too. And then the fundraiser said, so can you give me your credit card number so you can get involved too? You see this is a standard fundraising process, through the first three each other answer yes, this question leads us to donate money against Obama, this is the first group of fundraisers to use the words. You'll find that everyone says yes, right? Yes and then at the end the card number may or may not be given, and then the second group of the same target group, they turn the words into something like this, hello, please ask Is it Mr. Smith?

The other person said it was me, I was from so-and-so committee, and I would like to ask you a few important questions, mainly about your view of the current economic situation, if nothing changes, do you think the United States is moving in the best direction? For example, it's certainly not that things are getting worse. So will you sit idly by as Oba President Ma continue to run the White House after November? No, I will do my best not to let this happen. If you want to do something to avoid this today, you can donate to our committee, we will do our best to fight for you, you pay attention to the first group of the other side all said to let him donate at the end, the second group of the first two questions are to say no, and then finally let him donate What is the result?

The result was that the proportion of donations from the group that used cloth as a guide was 23% higher than that of the group that used the guidance internal resistance. When the other person said the cloth twice in a row, his self-confidence exploded, he felt that I was in control of the progress and direction of the whole conversation, and I could think about whether I should do it or not, and he didn't feel that I was being manipulated. You know that our current consumers have been trained by those direct sales of those conference meetings to be inviolable, in the past we may have used seven yes to deal each other stupidly and unconsciously, but now they will suddenly wake up, say I bu I this money or my own, right? Otherwise the economic situation will worsen, he will not give, but if you can make the other party boldly make the other party say that he does not give him a sense of control, then he will be more likely to think and act.

There's also an interesting usage scenario here, you find that when we use email in marketing, we often ask each other over and over again, right? Say what do you think of our plan? Right? Can we move on to the next step? How do we when the other person does not want to buy your things, you will find that he will not reply to your letter, he is completely unresponsive. If you ask, have you given up on the project? I've received emails like this. When you boldly ask each other whether you have given up on this project, you know that people have a mentality, when we talk about thinking fast and slow, we talk about people have a natural mentality, that is, they hate loss, people hate loss, so when you tell me that we are going to give up a thing to lose something, his first reaction is to say no, right? No, so what do we do?

At this time, you will be able to get a response from the other party and continue to talk to him. So a good negotiator is not to make himself how bright, but to gradually guide the other party to discover the negotiator's goals and let the other party agree with these goals. Since our goal is win-win, and our goal is for the good of the other party, then the other party must be able to slowly find this direction. This trick requires courage, I believe you have to go home and practice it well, try to let the other party say no no first and then say what do we do? This is the fifth move, the sixth move. You're right. If we can get a very difficult opponent to say that you are right in the course of the negotiation, it represents a big step forward in the negotiation. This author was once in the Philippines, facing the armed groups in the Philippines, they kidnapped an American, and then they went to negotiate with him, and that person was very tough, and that person showed them how to torture the Americans every day, that is, every time he called you to call two teaching toys for them, it was the Americans who tortured them all day, he said that this person is so bad, but you have to suppress your anger, you have to understand how this person became a rebel organization.

They continued to understand this person's background, and later when they talked to him, they directly told almost all of his rebellion stories, saying how the government hurt your family, how are you? He talked about a long period of his mental journey. Then the person finally said a sentence that said that you were right, just such a sentence, immediately after the speech, immediately gave up a large piece of this requirement on the negotiation conditions, which is the effect when you and the other party have an inner identity, so how to make the other party say that you are right, the method used here is to combine the tricks we used in front of us, and then add a small move called summary.

What is the summary? You have to say a big paragraph yourself, and this big paragraph you say yourself is the psychological confession of the other party's heart, which is called a summary, at which time we have made a big step forward in the negotiation.

The seventh trick is to negotiate the price.

Talk about the price I am the most obedient to him. Once in Haiti, there was a local rich man, the family's aunt ran to send the child to school when he was kidnapped, after the kidnapping, he opened his mouth to ransom, saying 150,000 US dollars, 150,000 US dollars. Then the family said they couldn't come up with so much money, and then they asked him to negotiate with the kidnappers, and the price of the final negotiation, you know. Four thousand seven hundred and fifty-one pieces, four thousand seven hundred and fifty-one pieces to get the other side to release people, and this is not a case, he encountered a kidnapping case in almost two days, the transaction price is below 5,000 yuan.

Then they FBI people who got the case were all laughing and saying is a dollar really that important? Isn't it sick that he can talk about 4751? This is a psychological motivation, let's talk about how to talk about price, first of all, we must not believe in compromise. What is compromise? The other party said that 150,000 US dollars did not come up with so much money, so it gave you 75,000, what do you think? You see directly from the 150,000 discount to 75,000, why can't you casually compromise, this is called the anchoring effect, we talked about it right? Many of us will be anchored by each other's prices, if the other party opens 1 million US dollars, you give people 500,000 US dollars, which is called compromise, so you have to first question 150,000 US dollars to open it is unreasonable, why do you open your mouth for 150,000 US dollars, right? There is no such thing as fairness, and there is no absolute fairness in the world.

Fairness is a feeling, fairness is just a feeling, so when the FBA talks to everyone about the price, he will first tell the other party this, he said I hope we negotiate fairly, if you feel unfair at any time, you can stop. Let's discuss, you see he just gives the other person a sense of fairness, but absolutely no number is fair. You say I asked you to go out and buy me a cup of coffee, right? I give you 20 bucks to run errands, do you think it's fair and unfair? You said you could buy a cup of coffee for 20 bucks, but if you know that I let you spend 20 bucks to go out and buy a cup of coffee and come back, and I used the time of this cup of coffee to negotiate with people and make a billion dollars, you think you only gave me 20, I'm his negotiation assistant, right? It is this sense of fairness that will change with external conditions, so don't think that a certain number is fair.

Why don't you, for example, compromise? You want to go out in white shoes, your wife wants to go out in black shoes, you two compromise, one white shoe and one black shoe out, right? It is impossible, so he will never pursue compromise, he has a fair price in his heart, he believes that the fair price of the kidnapping case is below 5,000 yuan, and the kidnapping fee below 5,000 yuan must be realized. And then the second one is that you want realization to be your ally, because you know that when all the kidnappers negotiate with you, he controls realization, and he says that I'll tear up the ticket if I don't give money one day, right? He said you can't listen to him all the time, you can't be mastered by him, and you have to know the realization of the kidnappers.

Why is Faye Wong in a hurry to ask for money? So they went to study when the kidnappings in Haiti were discovered. On Monday, the kidnappers were particularly diligent, almost all the kidnappings happened on Monday and Tuesday, I don't understand why, and then it was found that every weekend, the kidnappers were particularly active, and the kidnappers had to go out on the weekend to go to Hall D to bungee and go to the bubbles A lot of things waited for the kidnappers to go to Runaway Port-au-Prince in that place. So he found that the purpose of all the kidnappers kidnapping is actually to spend a few thousand dollars on the weekend is enough, so he thinks that as long as I give him a few thousand dollars to spend his weekend money, he will not tear the ticket, he tears the ticket is not interesting, tearing the ticket will still be chased, simply take a few thousand dollars, so this is the second, you have to find the realization, you have to find the realization that the kidnapper needs.

We don't deal with kidnappers in life, you have to find the realization of the object of your negotiation, and the object of your negotiation is also eager to solve this problem, which may also be a time limit problem for him, so let the realization become our ally. So what are the steps? The first step is to set their emotions, so when he talks to each kidnapper, he must first let the other party lower expectations, we really have no money, what has our family become now, into a pot of porridge, recently Haiti earthquake industry has been destroyed, can not take out so much money, you now let me withdraw money everywhere I can not take out, of course I hope my aunt is alive, but I do not have so much money, he constantly emphasizes that I do not have so much money, and then constantly ask the other party what to do?

Do you see that? It's not that I don't want to give money, it's that I can't give money, so what do you say! He never sabotages the conversation, he just tells you that I really don't have that much money, and then you say what to do? The first trick sets the mood of the other party. The second trick is to let the opponent play the cards first in most cases. He said that if you meet a newbie, there is a good chance that the price of the newbie is already low enough to make you laugh. But you have to be careful, don't be cruel. I think this is very right, you don't want to give the other party because he is a novice, the price is particularly low, you press him again, and then become very cruel, so as to make more profits. He said that in the short term it looks like you're a bargaining snob, and in the long run you're offending everyone, because fairness is still important, so sometimes he encounters a situation where the other person's bid is particularly low, and you can even add a little bit to it.

You say that your price is too low, how much money we can deal with is very good, at this time you can reach a long-term cooperation with each other, so try to let the other party bid first, not too cruel, and then if you really need to get married, don't open your mouth to marry, delineate a range. For example, Teacher Wang, are you willing to come to our company to do it, CEO? Let me be the CEO of your company, right? How much is your annual salary? Can't say. Can't say how much the annual salary is. Generally like this, a company like yours asks a CEO to basically give a range between 8 million and 12 million in the market now, give a reference range, how much is it for others? Between 8 million and 12 million, at this time, the price of the transaction is often within this range, possibly 8 million, and then operate non-price terms.

If I can't give money, can I give something else? For example, if you are given a few days of paid leave, they have a negotiation here, that is, the person wants a high annual salary, and then finally the negotiation can't be discussed, because the person is a Frenchman, so the American boss will say that I can give you a few days of French vacation. You see because everyone knows that there are a lot of holidays in France, and there are a lot more holidays in France than in the United States, this American said I can't give in too much price because the money is limited, right? Our budget is limited, but where can I give you some holiday opportunities, you can go back to France for a vacation, which is called manipulating non-price clauses. Then the fifth trick is to say a specific number, don't say $5,000, but say $475 billion, when you say a specific number, the other party will think that you have calculated, you are well thought out, you even have to be silent for a while and say I do the math, and then quote him a single-digit price, and then finally you can give the other party a surprise gift.

When the other party hesitated and felt that he could not accept it, in this case, he asked his nephew to send her a CD machine, he saw that there was a CD player next to his nephew, and he said that in addition to this money, I can also send you a CD machine. When he said this, the kidnapper felt really sincere, the other party seemed to really want to deal, because he had no recruitment, he had no money, he even took out the CD player to make a gift, this is the sixth trick to give a surprise gift, use up these tricks, basically this price can be negotiated relatively low. Here there is another FBI predecessor to do the method of negotiating prices called Keman a method of Ackman bargaining, in the author's view is tried and tested, is to briefly talk about, because I do not want everyone to become particularly cruel, like to talk about prices, but you have to know the basic steps of Ackman bargaining, the first step is to set your target price, in your heart you must first set your target price, not to say it, but to set it.

Then when you bid on the other party, the first marriage is 65% of your target price, and then the third step calculates the three prices that may increase, which are 85% and 95% of the target price and 100% respectively! You have to do three concession opportunities, we are easy to panic when negotiating, a panic to forget those steps, forget where to give way, let go accidentally let more, so eighty-five percent ninety-five percent this is three can be receded price, before you raise the price of the use of empathy principle and various methods to say no to fight each other, so this is the seventh trick we said the lone nine swords to talk about the price of the method, remember to use this change.

Then the eighth trick is a very effective method called calibration problem.

What is a calibration problem? You will find that we talk to each other many times, and the reason why we talk to each other many times and talk about it is not well executed in the end, because our understanding is biased and it is not the same at all. So there is also the problem of emotions, when the other person is emotionally high, and the other party is angry and makes a lot of irrational words and actions, you need to solve it with the calibration problem. What is a calibration problem? For example, if the other party stands up and wants to go, at this time, if our ordinary person's statement is that you don't go, you see you don't go, this becomes an order, then you have to ask you what you plan to leave for? When you ask you what you plan to leave for, this is called a calibration problem, at this time he will definitely stand up and count you down, and then vent his emotions, explain that you are accurate, you know what makes you angry, then he is likely to do it.

So last time one of our colleagues told me that he went out to negotiate with the publisher, and at the end of the negotiation, he told me that the president of the publishing house was angry, and then he said that he didn't know why the other party was angry, because there was no calibration problem. Seeing this president leave him, he didn't ask you what makes you unhappy about leaving now, this is the calibration problem, like the drug dealer said earlier how do I know that my family is alive, this is a typical quasi-question, so in the process of calibration problems, you must use more how and what less Y You have to ask how to be what, and don't ask why?

Because why the other party will feel questioned, it will make the other party feel stressed, and it will make the other party feel that you are on top. And if you ask, for example, how do you think I can make up so much money, how do you think I can give you the money? How do you think I can know that the hostages are safe to give money to you, you see this is a constant calibration problem, so that the other party began to think continuously, here we have a long list of calibration problems can be provided to everyone, these problems should be remembered very well, such as what is the most important thing for you. You look at the calibration problem, you know what the other person wants, how can I make him more favorable to us, more beneficial to both of us, how do you want me to move forward, what brought us into the situation?

How can we solve this problem? What are our goals? What are we trying to accomplish here, and how do I do it? What do you think this series of questions is a bit like? Have you ever heard me talk about a book called High Performance Coaching, right? A high-performance coach is to completely use the questioning method to involve the other party in solving the problem, and then the other party will feel that I am solving the problem, he will participate step by step, contribute his ideas, and he does not want this to fail in the end. Because he is in control of this direction, he is making all kinds of suggestions, so we must be able to learn to show weakness. We must be able to learn to use calibration problems, constantly trigger a large number of languages on the other side, so that the other party can make more contributions to the achievement of the program and the achievement of cooperation. Last resort.

The ninth trick is to ensure implementation.

We often find that after the talks, the other party is also very happy, saying yes, today's talk is good, and then go back and don't do it. I thought about it when I went back, and you put it in today, right? He didn't execute it, why? There is a principle here, which we should pay attention to called the seventy-thirty-eighty-five principle. What do these three numbers mean? That is, when a person expresses information, 7% of it is expressed through language. You listen to what he says, 38/700 percent is expressed through intonation. Tone. 55% are expressed through limbs and expressions. So if you can observe the other person's limbs and expressions, watch his movements, and listen to her tone, then the judgment will be much more accurate than if you just listen to his language or the words written on the paper, so I recommend that you don't just listen to the audio when listening to the book, you have the opportunity to open the video to see, look at the expression to know how sincere I am talking about this matter, right? So in order to be able to know more exactly whether the other party will perform, you need to use more calibration and labeling methods, calibration and labeling methods, you say you tell me that this is possible to perform, but why do I see that you are hesitant expressions?

You notice that this is calibration and labeling, I see your expression is hesitant, but you mouth tell me that this thing can be done! We must not ignore this matter, many people will think that this may not be his thoughts, do not say, anyway, he has already agreed to it, because we are not willing to have a difficult conversation. When all of us encounter difficult conversations, our first reaction is to bypass and try not to touch him, anyway, save some things today, we are so lazy, right? But in fact, if you want to make sure that this thing can be carried out, you must label his emotions. There is also a way is the three-time principle, the three-time principle is when you discuss an agreement with the other party to reach an agreement, in the process you have to listen to the other party at least three times yes, can not repeat three times to say yes is not OK, the first time may say yes, I think we can reach an agreement, this is the first time, the second form of expression may be what you said right, you are right, may be the second time, and then the third time is what we will do next, what makes him make such a detailed commitment, So when you can do the principle three times, and make the other party confirm it three times, then the probability of this thing being executed will be greatly improved. Finally, there's a big pain point when we're negotiating, which is whether you're able to negotiate with someone who really has the final say, right? Sometimes talk to each other for half a day, the other party said it does not count, this is bad, how can you judge whether the other party said it or not?

There is a very effective way, that is, if the other person always starts with me in the process of talking to you, the more times I say it, the less important the person is. The real big guy doesn't need to talk about me all day, the real big guy is you guys how do you do this, you see him say it, and then those who pretend to come out to deal with you will continue to emphasize their importance, this is my decision, how am I in our place? Just start with me, the less important this kind of person is, so I sent me a circle of friends that day, and the more people who talk about me, the less important it is. And then a lot of people at the bottom responded, don't you just talk about me all day? I have to keep introspecting myself, so if we want to become important, we have to say more about us, instead of saying that I have talked so much, I believe that everyone will have a feeling.

Some people will feel tired of talking, and it takes so much effort to talk to someone? This author explained to us that he once went to buy a red sports car, he thought the sports car was particularly good-looking, and then went to buy, the salesman was particularly excited, came a buyer to buy, the result did not expect to meet him is really tortured enough, is he a strong sentence, he said I really like sports cars, awesome, unfortunately I don't have enough money, and then give you enough money, the person said I help you apply to spend on the application after saying that our boss today in the boss said how much can give you a discount, he said you are really good, You help me so much, is to talk to the boss about this matter, you see what we used in front of the label repetition all said out, said unfortunately not enough money, is not enough money, and then the other party said you wait I will go up to the young man at least four times, and then finally grit his teeth and say, line sold to you, and then finally he gave a number, that is, a number including single digits, that is, a very low price to buy the car.

After buying it, you speak from the perspective of our readers, you will feel that I am torturing the guy who sells the car, right? I went too far, but in fact, the reason why it can be traded, it must still make money. So it seems that I used this method to make the other party feel tired and painful, but we finally made a deal, and reaching a deal meant that it was a win-win event. If he did lose money, he wouldn't sell it to me, so I helped him with the sale, which is a good thing, and at the same time I saved a lot of money myself, and I feel very happy. So if you can really learn how to control the way you talk, your relationships won't get worse and worse, and in turn, they'll get better and better.

Because all the techniques used here are high emotional intelligence, you are not through coercion, not through threats, not by slapping the table and then making the other party back down, you are by reflecting the other party's emotions to mark the other party's emotions, repeating what the other party said, and then pulling out the thorn in the other person's heart, so that the other party is willing to agree with you comfortably. So if each of us could learn to take care of each other's emotions to talk, the world would be a better place. At the end we end with the words of this author, who says that remember that what you strongly pushes what you believe in is not a manifestation of selfishness, nor is it bullying, he will help you, the almond in your brain will deal with the fearful part, he wants to persuade you to give up and run away, because the other party is right, you are too cruel, but if you are an honest and elegant person, looking for reasonable results, you can ignore these interferences that the amygdala brings to you!

According to the negotiation style taught in this book, get the information and actively look for the best solution, you will be able to try to find value and time, and don't negotiate with people in a brute force or humiliating way! So towards the end of this book, I'll leave you with a request, whether in the office or at the family dinner table, not to shy away from those sincere and clear conflicts that will give you the best price for the car, a higher salary and more donations, and he will also bring you marriage, friendship and family! A person who wants to be a brilliant negotiator, a great person, can only be achieved through clear and compassionate listening, but also through a dignified and awe-inspiring way, and the most important thing for people and themselves is to be honest with you, what you can do and what you can't do, every conversation, every conversation and every moment of life!

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